This little gem was written when I was a Fresher - you can tell because of the over-use of genitalia slang and the fact that I actually sound like Imperial hasn't raped me of all my timeIt’s a well known fact that music can be sexy (Genie in a Bottle), romantic (I am Beeeeeeeeeeautiful), and down right dirty (DiRRRty). Oh Xtina, music goddess of the vag. However, choose the wrong music for your nookie session, and it suddenly has the unbelievable power to make even Lexington Steele get the beerpussy. No one likes silence, and most people don’t want to listen to the smacking, popping or chuffing sounds of the ‘intercourse’, so reaching for the CD player/Ipod station/Tape (wat ist das?!) or even live orchestra is a natural thing to do. And I know for a fact that everyone has had an awkward experience trying to squirt the spooge whilst simultaneously ignoring the ugly sounds filling the room. So after much deliberation (and the decision to horribly embarrass my own boyfriend) I’ve come up with a nice little list of good and bad ambience music for whatever tat des geschlechtes takes you.
Lets start with the least painful recollections; the music that made that moment a bit more special; even if he did give you a dirty sanchez afterwards:
A friend once told me that Damien Rice ‘O’ (like the whole album, stamina or what) was a sweet little ditty to play, and if your biatch don’t start crying half way, I say that’s a hit for you relationship types. Personally, there are songs which I’d stay away from; Woman like a man starts off with ‘I need a piss, wanna hate, fuck it up, calm’. NICE.
Then there’s classical music. My boyo once put on Chopin’s nocturnes, and that makes any biscuit crumbed bed seem like a four poster. However, careful with the pretentious arty persona; rules still apply: most piano music yes, some string quartets (bar Debussy) still work; but orchestral works, leave that to the pros. You don’t want to be struggling with some Nazi Wagner or Steve Reich. Or even worse, Schoenberg. God no.
Weezer (Green Album) is damn cute, and you’ll find that most girls adore Rivers anyway. It’s the math-rock-geek-emo thing that came before scenester-hair-gelled-asymmetrical-hair cut-studded belt types spawned the earth. Sexy as.
And to bring the rock to your cock. Its gotta be a bit of the heavy stuff, ya know, the drum beats for the tush push, guitar licks and flicks. All that is awesomo. Motley Crue, I will admit, ranks thigh high (bring on the trailer trash insults) and anything during the mad-crazy-your-parents-conceived-you period of the 70-80’s still rules! ZZ Top, INXS, Deep Purple, Dinosaur Jr…take me up to the 90’s for us young uns and it’s the likes of Smashing Pumpkins (just too many songs to mention, oh, go on then; today, perfect, tonight tonight, thirty three, cupid de locke) and Pearl Jam (because we all watched Clarissa and totally fell for ladder Sam).
Ho ho ho. Santa here bringing you the goodies. Bad bad bad encounters. The worst; gotta be Zappa (we didn’t have time to change the CD)…not the easiest thing to ignore when you hear ‘I’M IN YOU!’ on the surround sound. The cringe gradient slowly decreases to PWEI (get me a big mac, get me fries to go, watchman!) then something lame from a few years ago like the James Blunter. I’d like think any girl sounds I heard were from me and not some army tosser with a guitar. Oh and even though it hasn’t happened to me yet, (despite being referred to as liking cuntcore music), stay well away from Peaches! ‘Sucking on titties like you wanted me’ and ‘I keep my self respect hidden in my cervix’ are not for the approachable modern lady.
So my little raccoons, may you procreate like bunnies! Be safe by wrapping the piggy in his blanket! Listen to the soundtrack of your life! Steel clear of J pop! Avoid the Westlife for it is all LIES (the ugly one with the huge spam went and knobbed Delta Goodrem)! And never never never ever go ass to mouth.
Love you long time,
Lia
F.Y.I: Go on lads, put on Smack my Bitch Up and watch her transform into a right little minxy freak. I wanna freak in the morning, freak in the evening. Sugababes had it down.